why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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