so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
