I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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