Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
