Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
