Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize