the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
