I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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