dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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