I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Randomize
