you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
