All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
