I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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