Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Randomize
