i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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