I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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