$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
