She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
