Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
