Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
my phone needs a breathalizer
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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