I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
