I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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