Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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