he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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