so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i came on her dog
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
