She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
