Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
