I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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