Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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