Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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