I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
