I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize