smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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