Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Everything about him screamed your future.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
