I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
