the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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