He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
My ATM looks so different sober.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Watching her eat just hurts me
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
