The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
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