I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
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