The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
