; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Sober January is a disaster.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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