Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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