Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize