Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
