Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
