i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
