I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
