I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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