i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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