the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
