is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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