It's Friday. Sex?
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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