He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
