Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
