Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize